It is generally acknowledged that Genesis 2:24 is the most important verse in the Bible on the subject of marriage. It does not, on first reading, say anything about compatibility. However, it is evident we cannot have a one-flesh relationship without it. Compatibility is essential for a godly and healthy marriage, but the key is in how we define it.
Compatibility does not necessarily mean being alike, but having the ability to live together in harmony. The root of the word may also suggest the ability to suffer together. It implies things like sympathetic understanding and mutual stability.
Do men and women fall in love because they are compatible or do they build compatibility because they love each other (are committed to each other)? The more a husband and wife please each other in marriage, the stronger the level of compatibility. According to John Gottman, the ratio of positive to negative exchanges in a marriage should be at least five to one. Pleasing behaviors build compatibility, and compatibility leads to happier and healthier marriages. To be compatible, we have to work at it.
Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:33-34 that someone who is not married is concerned about pleasing the Lord, but someone who is married is concerned about the things of the world — how to please his or her mate. This is what I call the please principle. When we are committed to pleasing our mates, we build a more stable marital system and create compatibility, which, in turn, produces greater satisfaction in our marriage. A good marriage requires hard work based on true love.
Love in marriage is not a feeling, but a commitment to the other person. It is agape. Of course, affection, romance and acceptance are vitally important. Feelings follow love, just like behavior follows thought. But agape — the commitment to do what is best and right, and the willingness to do it in a way that is sacrificial and unconditional — is the foundation for a good marriage. Love in marriage is evidenced in how we value our mate. According to Ephesians 5:25, husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church. We should love our wives enough to be willing to die for them. That is the greatest thing we can do, according to Jesus, in John 15:13: “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” If a husband can do the greatest thing for his wife — love her — then he can certainly do lesser things like listen to her, spend time with her, etc. Wives love (show value to) their husbands by responding submissively to that kind of love (Ephesians 5:22).
Love, or agape, is the fruit of God’s Spirit in us. We are called to love our neighbor, love our enemy, love one another, and, most importantly, love God. We are counseled to love our mates.
Godly marriages — where two people love God and each other, please each other, like each other, and value each other — can be one of the strongest means for sharing the gospel of Christ in our culture. When people see the results of real love in our marriages, they are curious about it and attracted to it. Our compatibility can open doors of sharing and showing God’s love and truth to others.
There are no perfect marriages, because marriages are made up of imperfect men and women. However, love in marriage that is based on the love of God grows stronger and better as we move through the stages of life. Marriage, after all, is to be a picture of Christ and His church.
It is my hope and prayer that this issue of The Courier on love and marriage is a blessing to you.