Even before Gary and I were married, we had decided that if and when we had children, I would “stay at home” for the first few years. God did bless us with two daughters, and I did resign my teaching positions after each birth to spend a few years at home with my babies. There was plenty of change to deal with, staying at home with two little ones – finances, time, isolation – but that’s not the change that really tested me. The big challenge came a few years later, when I moved back into the workforce after being at home or very part-time for a number of years. I felt like the ground was shifting under my feet all the time.
Linda Karges-BoneChildcare arrangements that I had perceived as airtight were never enough, and I came to count on the fact that on the morning of a very important meeting, one of the girls would throw up or have an ear infection. My professional reputation seemed to suffer as well. The dean would typically begin a meeting with me by saying something like: “You are a very strong professor, and perhaps when your children are older and you can be here more often – .” You get the picture. My triple roles as wife, mother, and working professional were changing all the time, and it seldom seemed to be for the best. Looking back now, I see how the changes really did change me and my marriage for the better. I learned a lot about change.
There are three assurances parents have concerning change. The first is that we will all encounter change as a result of becoming parents, and the second is that we will never be truly prepared for any of the changes that come. The third, and most critical, assurance is that God is still in charge, no matter how daunting, swift, or difficult the changes may be. One might argue that this article about change could effectively be ended with that last statement. Perhaps. Or maybe some of you parents, like me, would like some practical and biblical support for dealing with the changes in your lives.
Spiritually, emotionally, and socially – can we learn to manage change more effectively? Can we find ways to make change less chaotic and learn to become comfortable with the changes inherent in parenting? These questions will be explored and embraced during this discussion.
As a former English teacher and fan of American literature, I found this quote from Washington Irving to be a humorous beginning for our chat on change:
“There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse; as I have found travelling in a stage-coach, that it is often a comfort to shift one’s position and be bruised in a new place” (1855, “The Creole Village”).
Changes that occur in marriage and family life are often bruising. That’s not always bad if one thinks of a bruise as something that can happen as a result of playing life’s game to the fullest. The “bruised circles” under one’s eyes that come from rocking a fretful baby late at night, the bruise on one’s shin that comes from moving your first “real furniture” into your first “real home,” the bruises that come from roller-blading with your teenaged kids at a birthday bash – these are more badges of honor than injury.
As we encounter change – getting older, our children getting older, our families getting bigger, our paychecks stretching further, our faith tested even more – it is helpful to ask: “How have I grown from this experience?” Instead of worrying about what change costs us, it seems more fitting for parents to ask: “Could I have still done my job without the bruises of this change?”
Moreover, it is important to note that, in this discussion, change is considered distinctive from catastrophe. The philosopher Robert Fulghum points out that “a lump in the oatmeal, a lump in one’s throat, and a lump in the breast are not the same thing” (“From Beginning to End”). A parent coping with cancer has special needs that go beyond the scope of this article, though many of the suggestions might be helpful. However, a parent dealing with a disrupted schedule because a child has the flu would find direction here.
With that in mind, we will consider how Christian parents might prepare for change from emotional, social, and spiritual perspectives in upcoming issues.
Linda Karges-Bone is a professor in the School of Education at Charleston Southern University. She writes frequently in the areas of education and family issues, and hosts the radio program, “Prayerful Parenting.” She and her husband Gary have been married for 26 years and have two daughters – Carolyn, a student at USC Law School and Audrey Jayne, a student at Clemson University.
Change is inevitable. But God is in control. “In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).
Have faith that God knows about your concerns and needs in the midst of change. “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).
Ask God for strength and wisdom concerning change. “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).
Notice opportunities to grow and to minister as a result of change. “Now these things happened to them as an example and they were written for our instruction, upon whom the ends of the ages have come.” ( 1 Corinthians 10:11)
Get closer to God when change comes, both good and bad change. “Let us therefore draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and may find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).
Expect change and expect that you can grow from it: “Behold, I will do something new … . I will even make a roadway in the wilderness and rivers in the desert” (Isaiah 43:18).