The parenting paradigm I am about to describe did not originate from me, though I wish I could claim it. I have heard it from multiple sources (such as JH Ranch) and it is easy to find bloggers writing about it across the internet. Nonetheless, good ideas are worth sharing and repeating.
In parenting, a strategy makes the task less daunting — it can be comforting and instructive. A strategy guides us toward activities and tactics to accomplish our goals. This paradigm can be part of our strategy. It will not provide all the answers we need, but it is a piece of the whole. It provides a framework for thinking about our role as parents based on four stages conveniently all starting with “C.” The stages are not necessarily distinct (they can overlap), but they are sequential. The transitions can be gradual or sudden, and they can come at different ages for each child. Understanding these stages helps us recognize that our roles and expectations should change as our children grow and mature.
Stage 1: Caregiver
This stage is the most obvious. When you bring your baby home, she is completely dependent on you in every way. Your job is clear: Keep her alive. In this stage, your life is full of nursing, diapers, baths, baby food, and sleep regulation. This stage does not completely end until your child moves out, but it diminishes over time. It is less important to think about when this stage ends than about when stage 2 begins.
Stage 2: Cop
This stage begins as soon as your child needs correction. As a veteran parent and experienced observer, I would suggest that this stage begins sooner than most first-time parents realize. Once your child can disobey, it is cop-time. The stricter and sooner you start, the better. As you establish authority and obedience well, the road gets smoother. On the other hand, if you slack off at the beginning, it will be harder to catch up.
During this stage, your job is to communicate and enforce the law. It is exhausting. This will expose your laziness and selfishness in new ways. You must work constantly to explain and train. You set the rules and teach your children to obey them. The tactics during this stage need to mature with your child, but should be focused on discipline. Children should learn to live under authority — both God’s and yours. You are still a caregiver. You still love your child. But the theme of this stage is discipline (Eph. 6:4; Prov. 22:6; Prov. 13:24; Heb. 12:7–11).
Transition
The time for transitioning between Cop and Coach is probably the hardest to recognize. It is not just about the cycles and activities of life. Parents might think they are entering the coach stage when their children start school, but that is probably not true. Depending on your family choices, you may share a little or a lot of the cop responsibilities with teachers, coaches, babysitters, or grandparents. (Be mindful about who else acts as cop in your child’s life.) The coach stage needs to begin when your children are spending increasing amounts of time where there is no cop at all.
Stage 3: Coach
After years of being on top of their every move, you will finally have to let your children prove whether or not you are a good parent. You will release them gradually into the wild, where they could embarrass your family name or make terrible decisions. So you have to work hard BEFORE this to prepare them for it (see Stage 2: Cop). All the work you did in the Cop stage begins to bear fruit. Hopefully the lessons and lectures are now a part of who they are because of your diligence and God’s grace. As a coach, you have to give your children room to make mistakes. You can give the pre-game pep talk (remind them of expectations and warn them of pitfalls before an event or experience) and conduct the post-game debrief (review behavior and interactions), but they have to play the game. As a coach, you increasingly have to let go. If you do not, the next transition will probably not go well.
Stage 4: Consultant
There will come a time when your children will be ready for life on their own. They will need to make their own decisions, and you will have to let them. Our hope as parents is that we have proven our worth in earlier stages and so earn the right to be consultants. If we parent well as caregivers, cops, and coaches, our kids will learn that we do have some good ideas and they will trust our wisdom. As a result, they will come to us when they face life’s tough choices and meet forks in their road. As consultants, we need to resist the urge to dictate or mandate their choices. We have to trust them as they become adults. We need to act as advisors, but let them know they are free to make choices and direct their own lives. And sometimes, we may need to push them in that direction.
Concluding Thoughts
Aside from the help this paradigm gives us in shaping our tactics and strategy through the different stages, it also helps us to see the big picture. The big picture, sadly, is this: We must prepare our children to leave us. As we consider that, we should ask ourselves what we want the end result to be. As a parent, I want my children to grow up to be disciplined, kind individuals who want to honor God and love others. They will have to do that without me. As I apply that to planning for stages 2, 3, and 4, it looks like this: In stage Cop, I want to define right and wrong. I want to implant in them the ideas and principles to guide their thinking and choices for their whole life. I lay the foundation. In stage Coach, I want them to put all that I taught during stage Cop into practice while I am still close enough to correct, adjust, encourage and expand. I want to give them enough freedom to see what lessons may need more work. I want them to learn from mistakes and build confidence. And then in stage Consultant, I want them to go out and do it on their own.
In writing about this paradigm, I have intentionally stuck to the nuts and bolts. But remember that this can only be part of a parenting strategy. We must be dependent on God and attuned to what He is doing in our children and in us. We cannot accomplish anything good without Him. Let us strive with Proverbs 23:22–25 in mind:
“Listen to your father who begot you, And do not despise your mother when she is old.
Buy truth, and do not sell it, Get wisdom and instruction and understanding.
The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice, And he who sires a wise son will be glad in him.
Let your father and your mother be glad, And let her rejoice who gave birth to you.”
— Joseph Osborn is a member and small group leader at Ridgewood Church in Greer. He is married to Elizabeth and together they have 4 children. The Osborns spent eight years church planting in a remote village in Papua New Guinea. He is passionate about communicating the message of the Bible clearly and, to that end, has authored The Bible Guidebook, a study guide for individuals and small groups to understand the whole story of the Bible.
