Recently I read two reports about marriage. One indicated that three quarters of people who marry do so only once. The other stated that more than 60 percent of remarriages end in divorce within five years. Another piece of research indicated that 41 percent of first marriages ended in divorce, 64 percent of second marriages, and 74 percent of third marriages.
Rudy GrayOne rather interesting statistic reported that only 5.1 percent of women and 6.5 percent of men divorce if they marry between 35 to 40 years of age! Just to add to the statistical analysis, it was also estimated that 66 percent of all divorces were from childless couples.
There are certainly many different angles we can use to decipher those statistics. However, one thing about the state of marriage in our culture is constant: too many divorces. There are legitimate reasons given, and there are also illegitimate reasons cited, for divorce. If Genesis 2:24 is the most significant verse in scripture about marriage, as many evangelical scholars believe, then divorce should be the tragic last step for God’s people. Good and godly students of God’s word argue effectively that divorce should not even occur among Christians. We do live in a world that reels under the curse of sin. This condition affects everything and everybody. Divorce, then, is inevitable in this kind of world. But can we as God’s people do better? Statistically, we are not really doing any better than the population at large. What’s the problem?
The problem, other than living in a sin-cursed world, is that the church is not preparing young people for marriage. Pre-marital Christian counseling should be required for a Christian wedding. This counseling should be biblical and in-depth. It should include family background issues, birth order characteristics, personality type, spiritual commitment, sociological differences, male-female differences, effective communication, healthy sexuality, and several practical aspects that most of us simply overlook before we get married.
Take expectations, for example. A husband and wife will both have them. However, for most couples the expectations either will not be clearly communicated or will be too high. In some cases, both will take place.
Years ago, a Jewish marriage and family researcher came up with what he called “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” These four key traits, if present in a marriage, indicate a 94 percent chance of failure. Here they are:
1) Stonewalling (creating emotional distance, shutting down, etc.). This is done 85 percent of the time by men.
2) Criticism – He notes that marriages can survive, and even thrive, on honest complaints but not criticism. Criticism is more global or personal while a complaint is more objective and specific.
3) Contempt – This is the intent to insult or injure. It can show up in eye-rolling, long sighs, etc.
4) Defensiveness – Here a person seeks to defend himself by deflecting any perceived attack by counter-attacking his mate or cross-complaining.
The state of marriage in our culture can improve. When we start with God, continue in his truth, and lean on his Spirit as our source, we can learn to honor God and please each other. We can reduce the divorce rate and we can increase the number of healthy marriages.