Comic Belief: Hear Me Roar; Tell Me More

A little boy who grew up in a town so small the school bus was a yellow Toyota went shopping at the town’s drug store. The boy told the druggist he wanted three boxes of candy. He wanted a one-pound, a three-pound, and a five-pound box of candy, each box gift-wrapped. The druggist told him OK, then asked the girl behind the counter to wrap the boxes.

When the candy was ready, he told the boy, “I don’t want to be nosy, but this is an unusual request. Would you mind telling me why you want three different sizes?” The boy replied, “I’m so excited, sir, I’d love to tell you. I have a date tonight with the cutest girl in the whole school. I’m going to her parents’ house and have dinner, and after dinner we’re going to go out on the porch and sit on the swing. And, sir, if she lets me hold her hand, I’m going to give her the one-pound box of candy. If she lets me put my arm around her, I’ll give her the three-pound box of candy. And, sir, if she lets me kiss her, I’m going to give her the five-pound box of candy.”

The boy arrived at the girl’s house, sat down for dinner, and the father asked him to say the blessing. He prayed and prayed. He prayed around the world once and then again and then prayed some more. Finally he stopped, and the girl turned to him and said, “I didn’t know you were so religious.” He replied, “I didn’t know your daddy was the druggist!”

I can identify with that little boy. Relationships seem to get more and more confusing. A little girl and boy who had just met were playing. The boy said, “Let’s play baseball.” She said, “I don’t want to do that. Baseball is a boys’ game, and it’s not feminine to run around in a dusty vacant lot.” He said, “How about football?” “No, that’s even less feminine. You have to fall down and get dirty. That’s not a girls’ game.” He said, “Okay, I have an idea. I’ll race you to the corner.” She replied, “No, let’s play a quiet game, a game where we don’t run and get all sweaty. Besides, girls never race with boys.” The boy scratched his head in confusion trying to think of something they could do. Finally he said, “I have it. Let’s play house.” She said, “Good, I’ll be the daddy.”

Relationships are confusing because we think we are normal and everyone else is weird. This attitude shows up in male/female relationships. Suddenly, your prize package has become a surprise package. I think the bottom line is that women are just more complex than men. I know my wife is. For example, if you look in my bathroom you will find about five items — toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, and maybe some hair spray. But if you look in Penny’s, you’ll find about 97 items, most of which I don’t have a clue as to what they are. Then there’s the closet. In Penny’s closet are clothes, shoes, and a section for all of her purses. She has brown, black, multi-colored, spring, winter, casual, formal, and Easter purses. My closet, on the other hand, has no such section; I have only one wallet, and most of the time I can’t find it.

I think, deep down, men are just shallow. A man can go on a vacation for a week and carry only one suitcase. He can go to the bathroom without taking a support group, and he can get a three-pack of underwear for less than $15. He can go to his friend’s house without taking a little surprise gift. Men didn’t grow up saying, “Let’s go to my house and braid our hair and talk.”

So, guys, take my advice. Learn to say just three little words that will revolutionize your relationship. When she tells you about the new color she’s considering for the family room, just look in her eyes and say three simple words: “Tell me more.” I guarantee you there will be less conflict in your house. And, ladies, remember that when your husband says, “Tell me more,” he doesn’t really want to know more. He is asking only because I told him to, and he loves you. So think in terms of a pamphlet, not a novel. Keep it short with a lot of action, kind of like a Three Stooges movie. He will love it.