Comic Belief: Confusing World

It’s a confusing world. Have you looked around lately? Boys want to be girls and girls want to be boys, and some want to be both. Can you remember when picking a member of the opposite sex was not multiple choice? Can you remember when women wore gloves and dentists didn’t? Can you believe that you can get the same graduation present for both males and females — earrings? I went to a wedding, and the pastor said to the groom, “Now you may take the ring out of your nose and put it on her finger.” Teenagers are confused, but adults are just as confused. They don’t know what they want to do with their lives. That’s why adults are always asking kids, “What do you want to do when you grow up?” They’re looking for ideas!

Where do you look for help? Some people look to churches. Some churches are confused themselves. I saw a church the other day that, instead of having a steeple on top, had a question mark. Maybe people go there to make a “confusion of faith.” People look to the psychiatric clinics. I have a Ph.D. in psychology, and, having worked in the clinic, I know it’s a study of the id by the odd. I left the psychiatric clinic; I couldn’t tell the patients from the staff, except that the staff had keys. Well, actually, they wanted me to leave. I think I became too direct. I told the truth, like, “It is as bad as you think it is,” or “They really are out to get you.” One patient said he was a loser because his dad was an alcoholic. I said, “Why don’t we look at this another way? Maybe your dad’s an alcoholic because you’re a loser.” People won’t pay money for that kind of advice. I went from a psychiatric clinic to directing a counseling center at a church. People asked if that was a big adjustment. I said no, not really. The staff still has the keys.

People are so confused today that they even call the psychic hotline. You’ve probably seen the ad: “If you need help, call this number.” If they were really psychic, they’d call you. I heard Psychic Friends Network went bankrupt. You’d think they would have seen it coming.

Some people look for help from the New Age Movement. Shirley MacLaine says she can help. At a Hollywood banquet, Shirley won seven lifetime achievement awards. She’s the spokesperson for the New Age Movement. People pay for her seminar, in which she says she cleanses the seven energy centers of the body. It’s like buying a $400 bottle of metaphysical Milk of Magnesia. She ought to be the spokesperson for London Fog.

I hear a lot these days about the information highway and computers. They say the information highway’s going to change the whole world. Predictions are that there’ll be a computer in every home. That way the homes can be just as confused as the offices.

Even if I could speed down the information highway, where does it lead? Americans don’t believe in going anywhere slowly, so we’re going nowhere fast.

People are confused — not from lack of information, but from lack of inspiration. They know what to do; they just don’t have the power to do it. They would like to stay married to the same person; they just don’t have the power to do it. They would like to stay off drugs; they just don’t have the power to do it. We could go on and on.

Confusion, that’s what I see. Confusion is like a sheep without a shepherd. Now, where have I heard that before?