“I wish my husband was more like you.”
It is a frightening sentence I have heard in one form or another multiple times throughout my ministry. Sometimes it is worded differently, say, if it comes from a single woman who “would love to meet someone like you.” Sometimes the scary sentence is actually made up of a series of compliments over a period of weeks or months (“Your sermons mean so much,” accompanied by a gentle touch on the shoulder).
Craig Thompson
Sometimes, although rarely, the statements come in the form of a full-out assault. One of my mentors in ministry tells of a woman who would show up to visit in his office early in the morning before other staff members arrived or at his home when she suspected he would be alone. In our church, we once had a young woman who looked for opportunities to compliment me and hug me in front of my wife.
Some may think I am saying that women are evil manipulators, but that is not my intention at all. In fact, I would say that most of the women who have put me into awkward situations with their compliments or actions have done so without ill intention. Often they are women in troubled marriages who are hurting and perceive the preacher on a stage as the embodiment of what they are missing. Regardless of the intention on the part of those expressing gushing compliments, a man can find himself in the middle of a conundrum.
As men, we enjoy having our egos stroked. As leaders, we are encouraged when people respond to our leadership. As a result, we must be aware that the weaknesses our biology and our positions leave us with make us vulnerable to temptation from those who look up to us. Our flesh is often weak, even when our spirit is willing.
There are steps every minister should take to protect himself and those around him from moral failure. They include accountability in counseling and never being alone with people of the opposite sex in a room without a window. However, I’ve found a few additional steps that are important in situations where boundary lines have potentially been crossed, intentionally or unintentionally.
Tell your wife
Howard Hendricks’ study of 247 ministers who experienced a moral failure found that more than 80 percent of the men became sexually involved with the other woman after spending significant time with her, often in counseling situations. When you counsel with women, tell them you plan to share their situation with your wife. You should trust your wife’s counsel for the lives of others and trust her to hold you accountable. (Of course, my wife also keeps me humble by reminding me in these situations that I am not God’s gift to women.)
Live in reality
Yes, this could happen to you. You are not immune to temptations of the flesh. Hendricks’ research showed that most men who experienced a moral failure had been convinced that it could never happen to them. Billy Graham would not even ride alone in elevators with women. When asked why he was so untrusting of women, he replied that it was himself that he didn’t trust.
Run
The moment a woman utters a version of the “terrifying sentence,” immediately look for an exit. If it is a counseling session, look for a way to bring it to a close. If it is in a hallway in the church building, bring the conversation to an immediate end. In these situations, you should no longer offer individual counseling. You can offer to counsel with a married couple, with your wife present, or with another member of your church staff present.
Seek out accountability
Share your concerns with a trusted leader in your church or another staff member who can help to make sure that you are never alone, even in a hallway, with a person who has made any kind of advance.
Seek the welfare of the other person
A person who is hurting needs help. Remember that you are not the only person who can offer help to the hurting. Pass them along to another woman or a different counselor for help and ministry.
This is not an exhaustive list. The most important thing to remember is not which list to follow, but simply to have a plan in place before the need arises. As a professor used to tell me, “In the middle of the storm is no time to stake the tent.”
— Craig Thompson is senior pastor of Malvern Hill Baptist Church in Camden.