The first time I saw our oldest daughter, I saw a bald head and heard powerful lungs. She was a loud noise at one end and no responsibility at the other. It was scary. Now I know why they say, “Hold the head.” It’s the safest part.

I knew this baby was going to change my life when I asked my mother-in-law to stay over a few extra days just to help us. I didn’t know what to do with my new daughter. By the end of the first day, I was so completely helpless that I just took her to my mother-in-law. “Here’s your problem,” she said. “This baby’s in serious need of a diaper change.” Looking baffled, I said, “But the package says it’s good for eight to 10 pounds!”

Angela had colic, so she woke up and cried almost every night. Now, what do two mature people, one being a psychologist, do when the baby cries at night? First of all, we would both lie there as long as we could, pretending to be more asleep than the other. She was thinking, “If he were a good husband, he’d get up.” And I was thinking, “If she were a good wife, she’d get up.” So we played that game for a while until we finally had to do something. Obviously, Angela wasn’t just crying; by now she was screaming. Then, Penny, because she’s more mature, said something like, “Do I hear Angela crying?” That didn’t mean, “Do I hear Angela crying?” She knew she was crying. That really meant, “Get up and see about Angela.” I knew what she meant but resented her telling me. She reminded me that the night before I had said, “I’ll get it the next time.” I said, “I didn’t mean the next time the baby cried; I meant the next baby.” So we fought over who was going to take care of Angela while she was still crying. We had to learn to communicate.

We had to learn to communicate about Angela, and then we had two more daughters, so we had to get a plan. For the first two, I would get the baby and bring her to Penny. She would change her while I went downstairs to heat the bottle. Then I would bring the bottle to Penny. She would feed her, and when she was asleep, I would put her back into the bed. That was a great plan, but Penny nursed our last child so I didn’t have to mess with the bottle. I just had to get the baby.

Then we decided since Saturday was the only day we could sleep, we would take turns sleeping in on alternate Saturdays. Of course we had a few misunderstandings about who had slept in the previous Saturday. Since men have amnesia when it comes to remembering anything that doesn’t involve athletic statistics, and Penny can remember not only what time she got up last Saturday but what outfit she was wearing, I think I put in a few more Saturdays than I had coming to me. The bottom line is, we decided to work it out instead of have it out. We decided to talk about it instead of fight about it.

Why is communication so difficult? Consider this: When you were a baby, you had needs that you couldn’t articulate, so you didn’t communicate in a positive way. You didn’t say to yourself, “I’m hungry. I’m going to smile when mother comes by and maybe she’ll know I’m hungry and feed me.” Likewise, you couldn’t tell your mother that your diaper needed to be changed. So, when you had a need, you just screamed, and the louder you screamed the quicker she came. You learned that when your needs weren’t met or when you were frustrated, you could act bad — and the worse you acted, the quicker people met your needs.

The same thing happens in marriage. When you are frustrated, you provoke the people around you as much as you can so they will meet your needs. You sulk, pout, make cutting remarks, and think that surely someone will come and meet your needs. That’s how infants behave. Let me give you a little rhyme: Before you have a baby in a carriage, you’d better deal with the baby in your marriage. Why? Because two babies married to each other — and then having a baby — make one big mess.