Been to battle lately? Conflict can actually be good for you. Criticism separates people, but conflict stimulates people. If you ignore things, they build up and get worse. You might as well fight the battle before you have to go to war.

A little boy asked his dad how the big war started. The father answered, “Well, it started when Germany invaded Belgium.” His wife interrupted, “That isn’t how the war started. It started when Germany invaded Poland.” He argued, “That’s not right; it was Belgium. I know my history.” She said, “You don’t know history. I’m the one who got you through college.” He said, “You couldn’t get me through anything; you’ve never been right about anything in your life.” They continued to argue back and forth as the boy watched. Finally his father looked at his son and said, “What was your question again?” The little boy said, “Never mind. I know how wars start. They start small but then build up.”

How do little battles lead to a big war? There are different strategies. The first is My Way. This is the most popular. “I am right. Do you agree with me, or are you wrong?” It’s like the lady who prayed at breakfast: “Please make my husband be right today because you know he will never change his mind.” This is the attitude of someone who is always right and must always win. Generally that battle has a winner and a loser.

People often use intimidation instead of negotiation. Their strategy is based on how they won in the past. This method is extremely attractive to males. Men like sports in which the object is to seriously injure the opponent. When you’ve won, you tend to use the strategy over and over.

Some women win by crying. If they don’t win, then they cry, cry again. Men buy things; if they don’t win, they’ll buy, buy again. These methods are inappropriate and neurotic, but they work. People use whatever works for them, whether it’s right or wrong.

One strategy for solving conflict is Your Way. At times it is appropriate just to acquiesce to the other person. When we moved to Texas, I really wasn’t that concerned with the style of house and what the kitchen looked like. The only thing I wanted was a split-bedroom model. The master bed and bath were on one end of the house, and the other bedrooms and bathrooms were on the other end. I knew I wanted my girls to be in their bathroom and not in mine. I could yield on everything else such as wallpaper, kitchen, and so forth. It just wasn’t that important.

In a relationship, if you yield, you have to yield with a positive attitude. Some people yield, but do so with gritted teeth. One lady said that living with her family was like living in a foreign mission field, suffering for Jesus. “I give in. I give in. I’m a martyr.” You don’t need to be a martyr or a doormat. You don’t need to be Edith from “All in the Family” — the classic doormat. In one scene, Edith tells a friend, “Archie and me still have our fights. Of course we don’t let them go on too long. Somebody always says, ‘I’m sorry,’ and Archie always says, ‘It’s okay, Edith.’ ” God put you together so that you can become more than you were when you were apart. At times you’ll need to speak up and at other times give up when something is not as important to you as it is to your spouse.

Another way to solve conflict is Half Way. This is the way most people try to deal with conflict. I give a little, you give a little, and we compromise. The solution is often quicker, but the conflict is sometimes still unresolved.

The last strategy for handling conflict is the Best Way. Make a “we” decision. Decide that together you can make better decisions than you can apart. That means Penny and I decide we’re going to pray about any problem or decision and talk about it until we both agree on a solution. It may take a little longer, but it’s the smartest thing to do. If I had included Penny in all of my decisions, many things would have worked out better. God puts people together so that we will have another way of looking at things. The “we” decision becomes a good decision and a God decision because you’re getting input from both individuals.

A soldier told Abe Lincoln during the war, “We need to pray that God will be on our side.” Lincoln said, “We had better pray that we are on God’s side.” God doesn’t change sides. So if you’re in a duel and you’d like it to be a duet, consider making it a trio. Get on God’s side and discover that God’s way is the best way.