Most of us gain a little weight over the holidays. Last year my New Year’s resolution was to lose some weight. Like most people, the second week of a diet is the easiest — because by then I’m off the diet. Many times I go on two diets at the same time so I can get enough food.

But last year I was serious. My body is a temple, but my building program was getting out of control. At first, it was little signs, like the elevator stopping a floor short. Then it was obvious. When I stepped on the scale, the message said, “One at a time, please.” Evel Knievel called to see if he could jump over me. The final straw was when I went to McDonald’s and got stuck in the Golden Arches, and the next morning I put my pants on backwards and they fit better. You get the picture. I knew it was time to do something.

I started out with the low-fat cookies for snacks. When you eat low-fat cookies, it’s like eating at church. You can eat as many as you want because God doesn’t count the calories. So for a snack I would end up eating 10 low-fat cookies. I later discovered that’s 500 calories! I could have had a Snickers!

So I got serious and went on a Slim Fast liquid diet. That didn’t work well either. It was very difficult — three shakes for breakfast, four shakes for lunch, and two sensible dinners. I still didn’t lose any weight.

I tried many diets: the mush diet (you eat while riding on a dog sled), the eggplant diet (plant an egg and whatever comes up, you eat), the vaudeville diet (eat only the foods thrown at you). One time I went on a diet of polyunsaturated oils for two months. I didn’t lose any weight, but I don’t squeak anymore. You might achieve the same effect by spraying WD-40 in your ears.

The diet I enjoyed the most was the hole-istic diet. I could eat only doughnut holes. Doughnuts equal fried sugar. I wonder why they don’t put pleasure grams on the side panel of doughnuts. I gained so much weight on that diet that I decided to cut out breakfast. That morning at work I was so hungry I was chewing my nails. My secretary said, “Your fingernails are a mess!” I said, “You ought to see my feet!”

Since diets weren’t going well, I decided I needed to exercise. So I rented the newest exercise video and, unfortunately, I hit the rewind button, worked out in reverse, and gained two pounds.

The older you get, the harder it is to lose weight. Your fat and your body have become friends. It’s as if the fat has been living in the same neighborhood for 20 years. It’s comfortable there — it doesn’t want to leave.

People will try just about anything to lose weight. One lady was on a Valium diet. If you take enough Valium, it will help you lose weight. It doesn’t really curb your appetite, but most of the food falls on the floor.

My daughter couldn’t muster up the willpower to lose unwanted pounds. One day, as a friend was coming up the driveway, she said, “Merisa’s so skinny it makes me sick.” I said, “If it bothers you, why don’t you do something about it?” “Good idea,” she said, and she hollered at Merisa: “Here, have a Snickers.”

I have discovered that if food tastes good, spit it out. Food is like anything else in life. If it is really pleasurable from the start, it is probably painful at the end (no pun intended). It’s the difference between green beans and jellybeans. If you’re going to live ten minutes, have a jellybean, but it’s not the food for a lifetime.

Many times we eat the wrong foods because we are eating for the wrong reasons. It may not be what we are eating, but what’s eating us. Do you realize that “stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts”? Many times we’re hungry, but it’s a spiritual hunger that we try to feed with the physical. I’ve discovered that no amount of Snickers will feed the spirit. I realize that if I eat more soul food, I will be less hungry for Snickers. Bottom line: If eating is the big thing in your life, you will be a big thing.