I don’t know what it is about October, but for some reason, most of my spiritual and ministry milestones happened in October. It’s the month I got saved, the month God called me to the ministry, and the month I preached my first sermon. It was also October when our church moved into its first building, and then 10 years later, we moved into our second home in October — truly high points in the life of our church.

But October is also the month I nearly crashed, burned, and lost everything. Eight years ago, despite my church being healthy and my family doing well, I felt an emptiness I couldn’t shake or explain. It started in the spring with a recurring question in my mind, “Is this all there is?” My thoughts were more judgments than questions by the fall, like, “I’m holding back the church. I’ve disappointed God. My family would be better off without me.” Some days getting out of bed was exhausting. I could put on a happy face on Sunday, but I was irritable, depressed, unreliable, and a pain to be around outside of that.