I’ve often liked guys better than girls. I’ve thought guys were cooler, and I felt like I could relate better to them. Growing up, I almost viewed being a girl as a negative thing. I never wanted to be a girly girl, and being around them made me feel insecure. I can remember being slightly annoyed at youth group events because the guy’s night consisted of backyard games and beef jerky, and the girl’s night consisted of flowers and chocolate. I love flowers and chocolate, but playing outside sounded more fun, and who doesn’t love protein? I’ve been told more than once that I think like a guy. I’m also bold, enjoy challenges, and like taking risks. I have a natural impulse to lead. And honestly, I just want to have fun.
The world would tell someone like me that “deep down you were always meant to be a guy,” that “you’re just a boy in a woman’s body.” Instead of viewing the traits above as attributes and qualities, the world would tell me that those qualities and emotions need to become my identity.
The world is wrong.
The Proverbs 31 Woman — Not Who I Was Expecting
Recently, as I was thinking about this topic, I decided to open my Bible to Proverbs 31, a chapter I’ve neglected. It’s the chapter known for describing the ideal, godly wife. I’m single but I think the characteristics and qualities described in Proverbs 31 can apply to all women. I prayed beforehand and decided to read verses 10–31 without any predisposed filter. I wanted to come to His Word with an open posture toward what the Bible says about being a woman, even if I didn’t like what it said. But when I read the passage, I was pleasantly surprised and encouraged. I was expecting to read about a girly girl, and instead I read about a woman of God.
In Proverbs 31, we see a strong, hardworking, trustworthy woman who is good to her husband. “The heart of her husband trusts in her” (Prov. 31:11a). “She seeks wool and flax and works with willing hands” (Prov. 31:13). “She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong” (Prov. 31:17).
We see a woman who’s wise and compassionate. “She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard” (Prov. 31:16). “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue” (Prov. 31:26). “She perceives that her merchandise is profitable” (Prov. 31:18a). “She opens up her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy” (Prov. 31:20).
We see a confident woman who doesn’t worry about the future: “Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come” (Prov. 31:25). We see a wife who doesn’t neglect her household, isn’t idle, and raises children that honor her: “She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her” (Prov. 31:27–28).
And we see a woman that is praised because of her fear of the Lord not her charm or beauty. “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Prov. 31:30).
In the New Testament, we see similar attributes describing godly women.
Godly Womanhood in the New Testament
In 1 Peter 3:1-7, Peter encourages women to submit to their husbands, and to let their adorning be internal, the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in God’s sight. In the same passage, men are exhorted to show honor to women, who are the weaker vessel.
In today’s culture, women seek to prove themselves to men. Our culture screams, “We’re not the weaker vessel, we’re the same vessel.” But in this passage, there is an acceptance of the way God created men and women differently, and men are instructed to show honor to the woman, while also affirming that we, too, are heirs of grace (1 Pet. 3:7).
And it’s a beautiful thing.
In Titus 2:3–5, Paul encourages older women to be reverent, not slanderers or slaves to much wine, and to teach the younger women to love their husband and kids, be self-controlled, working at home, and kind and submissive to their own husband.
What can we gather from all of this?
Gender Isn’t a Trait
In Scripture, we find character qualities and callings that any woman (minus submission to a husband and loving one’s kids if you aren’t married) can, and should, apply. I don’t read about a woman wearing pink in these passages. I read about a woman who fears the Lord and whose beauty is inward.
I’m a woman who enjoys fishing. I’m a woman who enjoys running. And I can enjoy those things while being submissive, kind, humble, and gentle. In her book, (A) Typical Woman, Abigail Dodds says that everything we do, we do as women. Being a man or woman isn’t a trait; it’s the very makeup of who we are and who God created us and calls us to be.
Our Identity Rests in God’s Hands — Not in Our Head or Heart
And we’re all going to display biblical femininity (or if you’re a guy, masculinity) in different ways and in different contexts. Women are typically more emotional than men. But some women’s eyes are as dry as the Sierra Desert, while some men’s eyes are as wet as Niagara Falls. If a man or woman lacks certain traits, it doesn’t make them more or less of a man or woman. Why? Because emotions and traits don’t determine our gender. God determines our gender, and He doesn’t change His mind (Num. 23:19). It’s fixed. We can rest in knowing that our identity isn’t in our own hands, head, or heart; it’s in Him.
God is the one who decided to create us male or female. It’s always been His decision and His design. Our sexuality is not by chance, or choice, and can’t be changed. And it’s never been about our preference. The traits that we often associate with each respective gender are often stereotypes that have some truth to them. But the most important truth about gender is found in God’s Word, not in the world.
What Now?
My sincere and deepest encouragement to the one struggling with gender dysphoria or any identity issue is to look to Christ, not inward. Start at the root: God made you male or female in His image, therefore you are valuable. And then ask God to help you to build upon that. Tell Him your confusion and ask Him to change your heart and mind to conform to His will. Allow Him to walk with you in the pain. And find other believers to walk with you, too.
Most importantly, if you don’t know Jesus as your Savior, then repent from your sins and believe the gospel (Acts 3:19–20, Acts 16:30–31, Eph. 2:1–10). It’s for you, too. Yes, even you (1 Tim. 1:15–16). Don’t try to fix yourself first; run to Him as you are and let His love change you (2 Cor. 5:14–21).
And if you already know Him, the gospel is continually for you. Rejoice in it. Rest in it. Receive the good news. One day, believers will be completely restored when Christ comes back, and none of these issues will exist (Rev. 21). Take heart, He who is in you is greater than He who is in the world (1 Jn. 4:4). He’s not done with you yet (Phil. 1:6).
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (Jn. 16:33).