(Editor’s note: The following article is an excerpt from Ken Sande’s 2004 book from Baker Publishing Company, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict)
I once heard a joke that described a frequent failure in forgiving. A woman went to her pastor for advice on improving her marriage. When the pastor asked what her greatest complaint was, she replied, “Every time we get into a fight, my husband gets historical.” When her pastor said, “You must mean hysterical,” she responded, “I mean exactly what I said; he keeps a mental record of everything I’ve done wrong, and whenever he’s mad, I get a history lesson!”
Tragically, this scenario is all too common. Having never learned the true meaning of forgiveness, many people keep a record of the wrongs of others and bring them up again and again. This pattern destroys their relationships and deprives them of the peace and freedom that come through genuine forgiveness.
Releasing from Liability
To forgive someone means to release him or her from liability to suffer punishment or penalty. Aphiemi, a Greek word that is often translated as “forgive,” means to let go, release, or remit. It often refers to debts that have been paid or canceled in full (e.g., Matt. 6:12; 18:27, 32). Charizomai, another word for “forgive,” means to bestow favor freely or unconditionally. This word shows that forgiveness is undeserved and cannot be earned (Luke 7:42–43; 2 Cor. 2:7–10; Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13).
As these words indicate, forgiveness can be a costly activity. When someone sins, they create a debt, and someone must pay it. Most of this debt is owed to God. In His great mercy, He sent His Son to pay that debt on the cross for all who would trust in Him (Isa. 53:4–6; 1 Peter 2:24–25; Col. 1:19–20). But if someone sinned against you, part of their debt is also owed to you.
Will You Forgive?
This means you have a choice to make.
You can either take payments on the debt or make payments. You can take or extract payments on a debt from others’ sin in many ways: by withholding forgiveness, by dwelling on the wrong, by being cold and aloof, by giving up on the relationship, by inflicting emotional pain, by gossiping, by lashing back or by seeking revenge against the one who hurt you. These actions may provide a perverse pleasure for the moment, but they exact a high price from you in the long run. As someone once said, “Unforgiveness is the poison we drink, hoping others will die.”
Your other choice is to make payments on the debt and thereby release others from penalties they deserve to pay. Sometimes God will enable you to do this in one easy payment. You decide to forgive, and by God’s grace the debt is quickly and fully canceled in your heart and mind. But when there has been a deep wrong, the debt it creates is not always paid at once.
You may need to bear certain effects of the other person’s sin over a long period of time. This may involve fighting against painful memories, speaking gracious words when you really want to say something hurtful, working to tear down walls and be vulnerable when you still feel little trust, or even enduring the consequences of a material or physical injury that the other person is unable or unwilling to repair.
The Cost May Be Steep
Forgiveness can be extremely costly, but if you believe in Jesus, you have more than enough to make these payments. By going to the cross, He has already paid off the ultimate debt for sin and established an account of abundant grace in your name. As you draw on that grace through faith day by day, you will find that you have all that you need to make the payments of forgiveness for those who have wronged you.
God’s grace is especially needed to release people from the ultimate penalty of sin. It is the same penalty that God releases us from when He forgives. Isaiah 59:2 says, “But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear” (cf. Rom. 6:23).
When we repent of our sins and God forgives us, He releases us from the penalty of being separated from Him forever, which is the worst penalty we could ever experience. He promises not to remember our sins any longer, not to hold them against us, not to let them stand between us ever again:
- “I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more” (Jer. 31:34b; cf. Isa. 43:25).
- “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us” (Ps. 103:12).
- “If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared” (Ps. 130:3–4).
- “[Love] keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Cor. 13:5).
Through forgiveness, God tears down the walls that our sins have built, and He opens the way for a renewed relationship with Him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us: We must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. We must not hold wrongs against others, not think about the wrongs, and not punish others for them.
Therefore, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises: “I will not dwell on this incident.” “I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.” “I will not talk to others about this incident.” “I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.”
By making and keeping these promises, you can tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to dwell on or brood over the problem or to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what He calls us to do for others.
— Ken Sande is founder of Peacemaker Ministries and Relational Wisdom 360. Trained as an engineer, lawyer, and mediator, Sande has conciliated hundreds of family, business, church, and legal conflicts.