As a pastor of almost six years and a Christian of 15 years, one of the hardest things for me to get my head around is why I choose to ever sin. And yet, I choose it every day. I do not love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength every day (Mark 12:30). I choose to love the world and the things in the world (1 John 2:15–17).
And yet, it is only by God’s grace that I am not what I used to be. Most of my congregation would be flabbergasted to meet 18-year-old Aaron. Most of the people who knew me in high school would probably be a bit dumbfounded that the Aaron they knew became a pastor. They would have clear evidence that 2 Corinthians 5:17 is true: I became a new creation in Christ — the old is gone, behold, the new has come.
Even though I am in Christ, even though I am declared righteous, I am still affected daily by sin. And to be honest, I am only more aware today of my sin than I was 15 years ago when the Lord saved me. I no longer live the way I did at that time, and yet, my daily battle against my flesh has only become more evident and more pronounced to me. I feel like I find myself saying with Paul, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (Rom. 7:15).
Six years ago, while teaching a class on ethics in Kenya and thinking about sin as it relates to how we make ethical decisions, I stumbled across something that may be purely coincidental in three different letters from Paul. However, it has helped shape my thinking as I grow in awareness of my sin and seek to put it to death each and every day. While some of my most obvious sins from 15 years ago have been killed and by God’s grace are long gone, I have come to recognize more and more as I mature that my heart is sinful and not good (Rom. 3:10–12).
It’s only by God’s grace that He has allowed me to bear any fruit of the Spirit.
The Least of the Apostles
Paul is believed to have written the letter of 1 Corinthians between AD 53 and 55, about 20 years after his conversion. In 1 Corinthians 15, Paul opens with an incredible picture of what is most essential to the gospel message: the life, death, burial, and resurrection of Christ (1 Cor. 15:3–4). He then affirms the real bodily resurrection of Jesus by recounting all the people He appeared to (1 Cor. 15:5–8). Paul concludes the section by saying that Jesus appeared to him last. Why?
“For I am the least of the apostles, unworthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God” (1 Cor. 15:9, emphasis mine).
Who is the worst apostle you know? I imagine you wouldn’t say Paul, even if he did persecute the church prior to coming to know Christ. This man was arguably the greatest missionary, church planter, and pastor to have ever lived. He wrote half of the New Testament, and we are supposed to think that he is the least or lowest or worst of the apostles? I am not sure I buy that.
The Least of All the Saints
Moving forward about 5–7 years, Paul wrote the book of Ephesians between AD 60 and 62 while under house arrest in Rome. In Ephesians 3, Paul reveals the true mystery of the gospel: that both Jews and Gentiles are members of Christ’s body, the church, and they all share in the same promises that come through Christ (Eph. 3:6). Paul describes how he was made a minister of this gospel by God’s grace (Eph. 3:7). He then makes a remarkable statement that goes a bit further than his words in 1 Corinthians 15:
“To me, though I am the very least of all the saints, this grace was given, to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ” (Eph. 3:8, emphasis mine).
If we are to take Paul’s words at face value, he is saying that he is the lowest or least of every Christian at the time. Again, how could this be? He is literally imprisoned because of his powerful preaching of the gospel. But Paul seems to recognize and acknowledge his own shortfalls, his own depravity. Only a few short years before writing Ephesians, he wrote Romans, where he clearly laid out that no one does good, not even one (Rom. 3:10).
Paul, as he matures in the faith, seems to have a growing awareness of his own depravity, his shortfalls, and his sin.
The Worst of Sinners
A short time after writing Ephesians, Paul pens one of his last letters: 1 Timothy. He is believed to have written this letter between AD 62 and 66. In the second half of chapter 1, Paul describes quite clearly what Jesus came to do:
“The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost” (1 Tim. 1:15, emphasis mine). The CSB says that Paul is the “worst” of sinners, while the NKJV says he is the “chief” of sinners.
Again, Paul never makes an explicit connection in Scripture between these three individual verses, but it seems that, as he matures and lives the Christian life, he comes to recognize more and more the depravity of his own heart. First Timothy is written quite near the end of his life, and he describes himself as the worst of sinners. Not the worst of the apostles, not the worst of all Christians, but the worst of all sinners — which essentially means the worst person in the world, since all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Rom. 3:23).
This truth can be both discouraging and encouraging. In terms of discouragement, if Paul is the worst of sinners, what hope do I have? For encouragement, Paul’s growing recognition of his own sin and depravity only made the cross of Jesus that much more beautiful to him. Paul is not the savior. He is not the Christ. He is not the perfect man. There is only One of those, and His name is Jesus. The more Paul recognized his sin, the more Paul was able to delight in the beauty and necessity of who Jesus is and what He did.
How Will Jesus Use You?
I am far from perfect. You are far from perfect. I told our church recently that none of us are very impressive. We are all sinners. But that makes the gospel so much more beautiful!
After proclaiming himself to be the worst of sinners, Paul goes on to say, “But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display His perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen” (1 Tim. 1:16–17).
Jesus uses broken, messed-up, sinful people like you, me, and Paul to display His perfection. I do not have perfect patience, but Jesus has been perfectly patient with me, with you, with all of humanity. If He could save and use a sinner like me, calling me to believe in Him for eternal life, He can do that for anyone!
Let’s get out there and share this good news. So much of my evangelism here in South Carolina is convincing people that they are not good people, that they are sinners. We are all sinners! And while sin is an affront to the most holy God and while we do not want to go on sinning, the gospel is all the more beautiful because you can’t clean yourself up enough or get yourself right enough with God by anything you know or do.
The hope for you, for me, for Paul, for all the people we know is that Christ is perfect! Be like Paul and grow in awareness of your sin — it’s really much greater than anything we can know or imagine. But don’t stay there. Behold Christ. Enjoy Him. Repent and grow in holiness because Christ is holy (1 Pet. 1:15–16).
— Aaron Markham is one of the pastors at Ridgewood Church, Greer, S.C. He and his wife, Casey, have been married for nine years and have three children. He is currently pursuing a Ph.D. in North American Missiology at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. Read more of his work here.