Anxiety is all around us. There are always reasons to be anxious, from a young child up through someone in the senior years of life. The forms anxiety takes may differ based on age and stage, but the underlying reality is common to all (1 Cor. 10:13). That said, since this article will necessarily be short, it needs to be said at the outset that no two scenarios involving anxiety are exactly the same. If you have met one person struggling with anxiety, you’ve met one person struggling with anxiety. This should make us humble and curious. Helping someone wrestling with anxiety is a bit like a football coach preparing for weekly opponents: The rules of football are consistent, but the game plan each week shifts based on the nuances of a given team’s strengths and weaknesses.
First, it is important to discern what category your friend’s anxiety falls into — suffering-based or sin-based.
Sometimes anxiety can be caused or contributed to by sin. The married man viewing pornography or living in adultery will likely be anxious, and for good reason. In situations like these, anxiety is intended by God to “pursue” this individual and prompt confession and repentance. But often, anxiety fits better in the category of suffering, and in my judgment, this is more often the category that anxiety takes for believers. What will be the result of the medical diagnosis? Will my child remain sensitive to the Lord in their college years? Will the finances be there by the end of the month? What degree and vocation should I choose? Though these questions can be mingled with deliberate unbelief in God’s provision, often these questions are the playing field upon which Christians strive to trust God. Here is what John Newton, 18th-century pastor and author of “Amazing Grace,” says regarding areas of weakness and suffering:
“Things which abate the comfort … of our Christian profession are rather impediments than properly sinful, and will not be imputed to us by Him who knows our frame, and remembers that we are but dust. Thus, to have an infirm memory, to be subject to disordered, irregular, or low spirits, are faults of the constitution [our bodies], in which the will has no share, though they are all burdensome and oppressive, and sometimes needlessly so by our charging ourselves with guilt on their account.”[1]
Second, appreciate the privilege you have of walking alongside this person.
Anxiety can feel complex to a struggler, because to admit this struggle to others is to risk being told some version of “Just trust God.” It is an honor to be brought “behind the curtain” and asked for help, prayer, and guidance. This is not a person to fix, as if anxiety were not part and parcel of the normal human experience. David says in Psalm 56:3, “When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.” Notice that David does not say, “If I am afraid.” Through David, God is letting us know that He expects us to wrestle with fear, and His gentle invitation is to turn our gaze to Him (Matt. 11:28–29).
Third, beware an all-or-nothing mindset.
This can apply to you or the individual you are helping. On this side of heaven, there will always be temptations to anxiety (John 16:33). Battling anxiety is a discipleship and relational process, not an event. It is more helpful and realistic to think of the hope of victory in (as opposed to victory over) anxiety. We cannot promise that a person’s anxiety will totally diminish. As a person takes their anxieties to God and seeks help from other wise believers, any positive movement revealed through a shortening of anxious stints (duration), fewer occasions fraught with fear (frequency), or less extreme strength of anxiety (intensity) is a reason for praise.
Fourth, remember the kindness of God.
His heart is for your friend, similar to how a parent’s heart would rightly empathize and break for the heart of their child struggling with a debilitating fear of a thunderstorm. Notice how Jesus so tenderly speaks to His hearers in the face of their worries about the real cares of this world: “And don’t be concerned about what to eat and what to drink. Don’t worry about such things … your Father already knows your needs … . So don’t be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the kingdom” (Luke 12:29–32). Peter also comes to our aid when he says, “Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares for you” (1 Pet. 5:7). Notice that of all the reasons Peter could have given for entrusting our anxieties to God (e.g., God’s power, sovereignty, knowledge, etc.), the reason he gives here is that God cares. In other words, the fact that God already cares is the basis for Peter confidently encouraging his readers to entrust their worries to Him. This is the reason that David can say, “I will be glad and rejoice in Your unfailing love, for You have seen my troubles, and You care about the anguish of my soul” (Ps. 31:7).
Fifth, it makes sense to offer some practical suggestions to your friend as well.
After all, some sort of action is usually fitting (whether “action” means relational, mental, or physical steps taken). Just remember that suggestions are usually not a cure-all. The following is an inexhaustive list of items you could ask your friend about and encourage them to pursue:
- Encourage them to take care of their body. Inadequate sleep, an unhealthy diet, and lack of exercise can all contribute to the presence of anxiety.
- Suggest they speak to their doctor. There may be a physiological component to their anxiety (especially if the anxiety seems out of character for them).
- Encourage them to guard their relationship with God.
- If it is healthy, it does not mean fears will be assuaged, but their fears will at least stand a better chance of taking their proper place in light that it is well with their soul.
- Prompt them to commit to mature relationships with God’s people. One way to fight anxiety is to be with God’s people who (hopefully) have their back as a collective advocate.
- Encourage them to doubt the accuracy of their anxious feelings. In so many words, you want to tell them, “Speak to yourself instead of listening to yourself.” (See Psalm 42.) It may feel more doable to doubt their anxious feelings than it does to “just be happy.”
- Pray for and encourage them to act courageously. There does come a time for “Just do it.” The more an individual dodges any anxious situation, the more anxiety grows as tolerance is weakened.
Hopefully this point was made clear throughout this article, but be patient with your friend. Walking alongside a friend struggling with anxiety is a process. There is often no silver bullet. There is a reason that “Fear not” (or its equivalent) is the most frequent exhortation in all the Bible; it’s because God knows we never reach a point where we no longer need the comfort of knowing that He is with us. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be profound. Your steady presence with your friend will matter as much as your words.
1. Richard Cecil, Memoirs of the Rev. John Newton, edited by Marylyne Rousse, p. 126.
— Allen Mayberry is staff counselor at Rocky Creek Baptist Church in Greenville.