I checked the phone again hoping that someone texted me — anyone. But there was nothing. No one was home, but me. And my phone didn’t help the cause. I could pick up my Bible and read it, but I already spent an hour reading my Bible that morning.
Loneliness. In Christian circles, we often try to find a solution for the experience. Christians are told to “be more intentional with friendships,” “get more involved at church,” “get your eyes off yourself,” and “use the loneliness to seek God deeper.” All those things are true. But what if you’re doing all of that and still go home to an empty house with no one to share your day with? What if you have a great relationship with your spouse but feel disconnected? Should you feel guilty for feeling alone? Are you just not “doing” enough?
I’m writing this article because I want to encourage those of us feeling lonely that loneliness doesn’t always mean we’re doing something wrong. We can have intimate Christian friendships. We can love our church deeply and feel close to the body of Christ. We can serve others on a regular basis. We can spend hours in God’s Word and pray throughout the day. We can see our singleness as a gift. We can have healthy marriages. We can walk very closely with the Lord and yet still feel alone sometimes. Sometimes our loneliness isn’t due to sin — it’s due to suffering.
Sharing in the Sufferings of Jesus
Jesus never explicitly said He was lonely. But there are instances in Scripture where Jesus can relate to our experience.
The most poignant one is on the cross.
Matthew 27:45-46 says, “Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, ‘Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?’ that is, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’”
I can’t think of anything more lonely then hanging on a cross, bearing God’s wrath, feeling utterly forsaken, while enemies mock you. This Scripture is a fulfillment of Psalm 22:1, where David wrote, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?”
In Psalm 22, David describes deep suffering and loneliness. Theologians call Psalm 22 a Messianic psalm because it’s fulfilled by Christ and parallels with Jesus’ experiences in the Gospels.
Many can relate to several of David’s words in Psalm 22:2, “O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.” And Psalm 22:11 says, “Be not far from me, for trouble is near, and there is none to help.” Those sound like the cries of loneliness and desperation.
In Isaiah 53, Jesus is described as someone despised and rejected by man, and one who’s acquainted with sorrow. Jesus was hated by many and often misunderstood.
Interestingly, Isaiah says, “it was the will of the LORD to crush Him” (Is. 53:10).
What if our moments of loneliness are God’s will? It’s true that it is not good for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18). It is true that God wants us to have deep fellowship with other believers. But it’s also true that God allows His servants, like David and Job, to suffer feelings of isolation as they are being conformed to His image. Becoming like Jesus in His sufferings is for our good and His glory.
So how should we respond when we feel alone?
Three Responses to Loneliness
Hopefully hearing about Jesus’ suffering and resurrection provides some comfort. But practically speaking, how do we respond when we’re home again by ourselves and feelings of loneliness creep up? Here are three steps you can take next time loneliness comes.
- Feel the Pain
Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
We all carry an emotional numbing device in our pockets — our cell phones. It’s easier to scroll social media or watch a movie when we have difficult emotions than to bring them to Jesus and speak biblical truth over them.
Next time you feel lonely; don’t pick up your cell phone. Pause. Pray. Cry. And bring your emotions to Jesus. It’s okay to grieve. The book of Lamentations shows us this. It’s okay to come to Jesus weary and heavy laden so that He can give us rest (Matt. 11:25–30). It’s okay to feel emotional pain. Harness your pain to be something that pushes you to Jesus.
- Speak the Truth to Yourself
When we feel lonely, it’s easy to become disillusioned. A single Christian might be tempted to think, “If I had a spouse, I wouldn’t have to be alone every night.” But the truth is that everyone in every season experiences loneliness in varying degrees. The mom with three adult children feels lonely because she has no one to relate to when all the other moms at church are still raising toddlers. The husband who has to miss church on Sunday mornings to stay home and care for his chronically sick wife battles loneliness. The unemployed young man feels lonely when he spends hours filling out job applications while his peers are fulfilled in their well-paying careers. The elderly widow who was married for 45 years feels a different kind of loneliness — an ache and yearning to go and be with her loved one in heaven.
It’s good to cry out to the Lord and be honest like David in the Psalms. But it’s not okay to hold a pity-party, feel sorry for yourself, and harbor bitterness and discontentment. It’s important to distinguish our feelings from the truth.
Throughout the Bible, saints carry their pain to Jesus, but then they resolve to believe the truth and remind themselves of God’s good character. Passages such as Lamentations 3:1–33, Psalm 77, and Habakkuk 3:17–19, among others, show how we can hurt deeply while also trusting in God.
Our experience may be true — we are physically alone. But the spiritual truth remains for believers: We are never truly alone.
When Jesus is foretelling what’s about to take place before His death, He says, “Behold the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet, I am not alone, for the Father is with me” (John 16:32).
Jesus’ friends left Him alone, but He believed the truth that His Father was with Him.
- Remember the Gospel and Set Your Hope on the Future Resurrection
Thankfully, being conformed to Jesus’ suffering isn’t the only way we mirror Jesus. We also become like Him in His resurrection.
Paul says in Philippians 3:10–11, “[T]hat I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.”
When you’re lonely, change your thoughts from present temporary circumstances to eternal future realities. Get your mind off yourself. Set your mind on Christ, who was forsaken on your behalf. Because of His sacrifice, you don’t have to be alone because you’re in an eternal, all-satisfying relationship with God. Because of faith in Christ, you have the promised Holy Spirit (Eph. 1:13–14, Rom. 8:15). And because of His resurrection, you have a happy future in store for you!
Colossians 3:2–4 says, “Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”
In your loneliness, look forward to the resurrection when every tear will be wiped away and sorrow will cease (Rev. 21:24). Look forward to the endless community and unity we will experience with the bridegroom Jesus and His bride the church. We will all be together forever.