Susan Styles, professor of psychology at Charleston Southern University, suggests that “life is a river. A rich life flows in a steady and constant way. Change is inevitable and predictable, and we can’t control it. I think the best way to prepare emotionally for change is to understand its inevitability and to understand that to try to stop the flow of change results in stagnation. To resist the flow of change is painful, and our resistance doesn’t change the outcome. It only makes the journey more painful.”
Change is inevitable. Acknowledging that fact helps us to avoid taking change personally. Everyone gets gray hair. Everyone has a hard time with a teenager at some point. Every parent will experience serious career disruption at some point, as a result of dealing with or having children. You are not unique in that respect. Try not to get caught up in a victim mentality here. Avoid trashy talk shows that glamorize the sad and seamy side of change, but do network with other parents who are experiencing similar situations. One evening my friend Trina dropped off her daughter at my home for a slumber party, and we sat on the porch for 30 minutes talking about the sudden changes in our daughters’ attitudes toward “Mom.” The girls were loving and close one minute, and acutely annoyed with us the next. It was helpful to realize that my situation was not unique or particularly awful.
Ephesians 6:2 reminds us to “bear one another’s burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ.” That kind of support is healthy and helpful.
Change is usually short-term. When my older daughter had colic (a bad case, according to her pediatrician), I thought it would never be over. Those three months were tough. Years later, she babysits for infants who cry and fuss and we laugh about it together. Hold on to that thought in the midst of what seems like an unending season of change or turmoil. If you can surface for a breath, take time to ask God what he is teaching you through this experience.
For me, the lesson of the colic was twofold: compassion and control. First, I learned that this baby was not mine to control. She belongs to God, and he is the one who calls the shots. I had to give the colic over to him. Second, I learned compassion, for my baby who felt bad, and later for parents who are dealing with sickly infants. I cannot tell you how many parents I have counseled and comforted with this same problem.
Philippians 1:12 tells of Paul’s growth during a time of change. Admittedly, our circumstances are seldom as grueling or difficult as this apostle’s, but the message is critical: “Now I want you to know, brethren, that my circumstances have turned out for the greater progress of the gospel.” Hold on during a time of change, knowing that it will end and that there will be a realization at the outcome.
Long-term change means a chance to redefine our lives. It is change with a promise. Look for the promise. When a friend went through a nasty divorce, she thought that her life as a wife and mother were forever altered, for the worst. Five years later, married to a godly man and mother of a new baby, she realizes the promise of a “future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11) that the Lord had for her in that change.
Healthy people can use humor and a positive attitude to make change manageable. The book of Proverbs calls humor “a medicine for the soul and body.” New research on depression indicates that bad feelings can be “catching”; we take our emotional cues from those close to us. In the midst of change, look for and use humor and surround yourself with upbeat, positive Christian friends.
Next issue – Change: Preparing socially