Imagine a husband and wife are discussing important decisions for the coming year. The husband says, “I think we need to wait to replace the couch until we have more money saved up.” The wife agrees, thinking it best to wait until the children are older anyway. Next, he says, “I know we normally vacation in May, but June would be much better for my work schedule.” Again, she agrees, thinking June would be better beach weather too. Lastly, he says, “I know you had your heart set on this specific vehicle, but I think this one is a better choice financially and will serve you well.” The wife disagrees, stating she has done all the research and believes the more expensive option is best. Her husband remains unconvinced, and she refuses to yield to his judgment, insisting on her own way.
Now, I ask you, how many times did the wife submit? Many of you may be thinking two, but the answer is zero. Unlike in the third scenario, in the first two, the wife agreed with her husband’s judgment, having her own reasons for thinking it was correct. She did not need to submit because she did not first disagree. Simply put, submission is willingly yielding to the rightful authority God has placed over us, even if we believe our own judgment is better.
Submission Begins with Christ
In worldly terms, submission is a dirty word. It carries connotations of being “less than” or subservient. We live in a time when culture tells us to reject authority at every level — in the government, in the church, and in the home. While we must employ wisdom, rather than blindly following all authority unequivocally, our heart posture must first come from a place of submission. More often than not, I fear even as Christians our knee-jerk reaction is to question authority rather than submit to it. Scripture is clear that authorities are placed into positions of power by God for specific purposes (Rom. 13:1–4). When we reject this order outright, we ultimately reject the authority of God in our lives.
A wife’s view of her husband’s headship is directly linked to her view of Christ’s. Submission is first vertical, before it is ever horizontal. Every Christian is called to follow Christ’s example of humble obedience. In Luke 22:42, Christ prays to His Father that the cup be removed from Him, but ultimately submits to the Father by saying, “Not my will, but yours be done.” When we resist our husband’s leadership, we are resisting God’s good design for our marriage. We submit not because our husbands are perfect, but because we trust Christ.
God’s Design and Our Rebellion
As women, it is our design to follow, but in our sin, we tend to rebel against our husband’s leadership (Gen. 3:16). We question his judgment, constantly nag until he agrees with our way, fail to seek his guidance in spiritual matters, speak poorly of him to our friends, scold him in front of our children, and the list goes on. Rather than respecting him as the head, we trample his leadership underfoot until he yields to our will. God’s design is for wives to submit joyfully to his leading, and our rebellion reveals that we think we know better than God (Prov. 14:12).
The Shape of Submission
I believe one key reason for this widespread rebellion within the Church is the failure to speak honestly about what submission actually looks like. It’s easy to point out where submission has been misused or give silly examples of letting him pick what’s for dinner. Yet it’s rarely taught to women how they are to practically submit to their husbands (Titus 2:3–5). I am certainly not an expert on the subject, and the Lord still has much to teach me, but it is my prayer that these examples will encourage women to think carefully and biblically about what submission looks like in the ordinary circumstances of marriage.
- Follow his lead on spiritual matters.
While a husband is not lord over his wife’s conscience, God has uniquely placed him in authority over his household. Not because he is infallible, but because he bears responsibility for its leadership (Eph. 5:25–28). A wife can freely study God’s Word, but she should be careful not to quietly establish an independent spiritual authority in her home. She mustn’t adopt new teachings or pass them on to her children without her husband’s knowledge and involvement. If she believes her husband holds an unbiblical position, she should bring her concerns to him humbly, being willing to also accept his correction. Even if she is correct, knowledge must not become leverage for pride, contempt, or an “I know better than him” attitude (1 Cor. 8:1). Our learning should lead to further faithfulness, humility, and unity under his leadership.
- Present a united front.
Every marriage will inevitably have disagreements about discipline, education, finances, and life choices. Wives may graciously try to persuade their husbands of their position privately, but if an agreement cannot be made, she must trust in the husband’s decision and be unified in it. She cannot agree and then later tell the children “Mom knew better than Dad” or complain about his decision. Unity does not require agreement, but yielding rather than continuing to fight for control. Wives must also be careful not to assume she has unilateral authority over any area, even one she typically manages. It can be particularly tempting for mothers to insist on their own way in regard to child-rearing without consulting their husbands’ wishes first. A husband should trust the wisdom of his wife in areas she is more involved in, but she ultimately needs to seek his counsel too.
- Receive leadership well.
Submission is meaningless if a wife then grumbles about it or constantly reminds her husband of her disagreement. It’s perfectly reasonable to share your disappointment, but do so respectfully: no eye rolls, sighs, or sarcasm needed (Eph. 5:33). If he makes the wrong decision, flee the temptation to say “I told you so.” A husband should be humble enough to say, “I made a mistake,” but a wife should never use this as ammunition to rebel against his leadership in the future.
- Remain faithful.
A wife’s submission is not a reward her husband earns by leading perfectly, nor is his failure to lead well a license for her to seize the headship God gave him. Instead, this is an opportunity for the wife to fulfill her role as helpmate (Gen. 2:18). When you hear a new teaching, or observe something from the Scriptures, ask him what he thinks or for help to navigate it. If he isn’t leading the children in discipleship, offer resources and work to give him the opportunity. Resist the urge to nag, but instead encourage him in the areas he is doing well. Pray that the Lord would grow in him a desire to lead. And even when he is not, follow the wisdom of 1 Peter 3:1–2, and let him be won over by your respectful conduct.
The Limits of Submission
Submission is never a call to sin. When any authority commands what God explicitly forbids, “we must obey God rather than man” (Acts 5:29). A wife must never follow her husband’s lead into sin, nor is headship a cover for abuse. Abuse is not an expression of biblical headship, nor is a wife called to remain in physical danger or conceal unrepentant sin or criminal behavior. In these cases, she should seek the help of church leadership and, where necessary, the civil authorities (Rom. 13:4).
A Beauty Worth Pursuing
Think back to the wife in our opening story. She was not a villain. She had done research and had good reason to desire the other vehicle. Most of our rebellion looks just like that: reasonable, ordinary, and easy to justify. Yet every time we dig in, we choose our own judgment over God’s design, and the cost is greater than we realize. A wife who contends with her husband tears down her own house with her own hands (Prov. 14:1). She teaches her children to distrust his authority, and she gives the world reason to revile God’s Word (Titus 2:5).
Peter, however, calls a gentle and quiet spirit “very precious in God’s sight” (1 Pet. 3:4). Submissive women are not weak; they simply do not need to win, because their hope is in God and not in getting their way. Biblical submission does not mean a wife has no wisdom, preferences, opinions, or influence. In fact, submission is evident because she has those things and willingly yields them to her husband’s rightful leadership.
“Submission is simply a demonstration of a woman’s confidence in the Sovereign power of the Lord God.” — Susan Hunt, The True Woman: The Beauty and Strength of a Godly Woman
— Lauren Smith is a member of Abner Creek Baptist Church in Greer. She and her husband, Chris, have been married for 15 years, and they have seven children.