If I had a penny for every time someone has told me that I have “the gift of hospitality” I could throw a pretty epic party. I don’t say that to brag. I just love to entertain. Creating a space that is pleasing to all the senses, where anyone could walk in and feel relaxed, welcomed, and at home brings me so much joy. So when the Lord called my husband and I to become a foster family along with our three young children I thought this would be a chance to extend hospitality to those who needed it most. Boy was I right, but it did not play out the way I had imagined!
Hospitality is so often interpreted as hosting an organized, beautiful, clean event. However, it can also be messy, confusing, and sometimes downright terrifying. Matthew 25:40 and Mark 9:37 haunted me (in a good way) throughout our time as foster parents. In Matthew 25:40, speaking of how his true followers serve him in this life, Jesus says “And the King will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’” After taking a child in his arms in Mark 9:37 Jesus says, “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me.” How could I love and serve – as if unto Jesus – this often screaming, undisciplined, sometimes detoxing child who is processing more trauma than I will ever know?
When Hospitality Gets Hard
Our family has been a licensed foster family for about 3 years. During that time we have had three placements widely varying in experiences. Our first placement was a non-verbal three year old the size of a five year old who very much needed one-on-one care that I, as a homeschool mom of three, could not provide. Hospitality during that time meant vulnerability. The body of Christ stepped up in huge ways to provide for our family during those few weeks. It brings tears to my eyes remembering the many people – college students coming to help me with the kids or bringing us groceries, single women and young mothers bringing us dinners, and older women helping babysit and take my kids to Bible study so they wouldn’t miss out. I watched my husband care for all of us without complaining while I was exhausted from staying up all night trying to get our sweet foster who had his days and nights reversed to sleep. Imagine trying to bathe a giant, strong, slippery octopus. Hospitality during this time meant bathing a kid who didn’t understand why he was there or who I was. I think I came out of the bathroom each time just as drenched as he was. My kids astounded me with how patient they were with this young child. They loved on him and tried to include him as much as they could. When the time came, it wasn’t easy for any of us, but it was the right decision for our family to cut that placement short.
A few months later we got another call and a smiling seven year old ball of energy came flying through our door. Wow, I was not used to that much talking! Over the next nine months our family adjusted and made room as best we could. My super tidy son learned to share a room with a free spirit. Schedules and expectations had to change. My homeschooled children had to learn to sit through the public school car line. We learned how to hang out for an hour every week in the lobby of a counseling office so our kiddo could get the therapy he desperately needed. We also walked through his trauma with him whenever he reverted back to screaming for an hour straight as a coping mechanism when life didn’t make sense. Once again, we made one of the hardest decisions of our lives and cut the placement short. I battled with so many feelings. If Jesus said, “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me.” (Mark 9:37), doesn’t that mean that if we send this child away we are sending Jesus away? But, we held on to the truth that God is sovereign. He was still with this child and watching over this child wherever he went. We had done everything we possibly could to love this child and provide what he needed, but we were also stewards of the children God had entrusted to us biologically.
Our most recent placement taught us a whole new lesson in hospitality. Just when I thought we would not get a call for another placement the phone rang on my youngest child’s birthday and she got the gift of a little toddler foster-brother. He brought life to the verses that come before Matthew 25:40 when Jesus said, “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.” (Matthew 25:35-36). This little dude came with barely the clothes on his back and for the next nine months I would never stop hearing, “I’m hungry mama. I’m hungry.” Hospitality meant teaching a sweet, sweet toddler how to fall asleep on his own, how to sit in his own chair at the table, and how to share with others. My girls especially loved mothering their little foster-brother. I gave up my hour of rest during gymnastics to participate in a “mommy-tot” gymnastics class during the older kids’ class. I revisited changing diapers. We constantly battled our own frustration while trying to teach a toddler how to handle disappointment without screaming, at decibels I didn’t know possible, directly in our ears. We got licensed to adopt because things were looking like they would end up that way. Then, one afternoon I got the phone call that a grandmother had been found suitable and he would be moved a couple weeks later to her home.
Christ, The Perfect Host For Messy People
Foster care is a hospitality roller coaster. We opened our hearts and our home. We were presented with our own sinful hearts and desires. We wrestled with countless conflicting emotions. Our children know more about crime, jail, drugs, and alcohol than I ever thought they would at their age. They have learned to share and make room in unique ways. We will all carry our own trauma because of this experience. Foster care is messy, but so are we.
Jesus showed the greatest example of hospitality when he welcomed us into his heart and his sheep fold while we were messy sinners. Foster care can give you the chance to experience a little taste of that and realize how holy and righteous, kind and patient our loving Heavenly Father is and how desperately we need him.
— Mindy Snyder is a homeschool mom of three in upstate South Carolina. She and her husband, Stephen, are licensed foster parents and are members at Renewal Church of Anderson.