I’m not a runner. In different seasons of my life, I’ve trained for 5k races and recently indulged my daughter, who planned a family Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning. I don’t experience a runner’s high. I don’t wake up excited to run. But I do appreciate the experience of running with people I love — cheering each other on and being encouraged when I reach the inevitable point where I think, “Isn’t this enough running?” and am tempted to quit. I love the shared joy of completing something difficult together.
Paul insightfully describes this life of faith as a race (1 Cor. 9:24–27, 2 Tim. 4:7), and the author of Hebrews encourages us to “run with endurance the race that lies before us” (Heb. 12:1). Like my family’s Turkey Trot, the race of life is better run alongside friends. This is a reality especially for pastors’ wives and women in ministry, but too often we’re told it’s not possible for women in those roles to develop true friendships, especially within your own church.
Friendships are relationships between two people built on mutual vulnerability, affection, trust, and pursuit. Each of these marks of friendship sweetens the race of life and provides a lighter step as we continue to run, but they do come with some measure of risk.
- Vulnerability means who you are, sin and all, is known to someone else and what they do with that information is potentially damaging.
- Affection can be seen as favoritism in the church and could cause division and unintentional hurt.
- Trust can be easily broken by gossip or by immaturity in relationships, leading to offenses that aren’t addressed and grow into distrust.
- Pursuit of friendship could come from selfish motives, not a desire to be a true friend.
While these risks carry the potential to be true, they are not reason enough to decry friendship within the church and label it as forbidden, off-limits, or not worth the effort for women in ministry.
Friendship is a gift from God to His people. From the beginning, He created us to be in relationship with each other, and His created design continues as Christians are joined in sibling relationships within the church. Jesus highlighted the special closeness of friends when He said to His disciples, “I do not call you servants anymore, because a servant doesn’t know what his master is doing. I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard from my Father” (John 15:15).
Good friends are not a guarantee in every season of life, but when God brings one into your life, whether for a short season or for a lifetime, they are a gift of grace that encourages those in ministry to continue running their race with faithfulness and endurance.
Grace Gifts of Friendship
There are many types of relationships we experience with others in the church, and most of them don’t fit the definition of a friend. Friendship requires closeness, in physical presence and in emotional presence — and while physical closeness is possible with many in the church, emotional closeness is not. Friendships outside of your church can provide emotional closeness, but if they are physically distant, the benefit of living daily life together is lost. Friends who are physically and emotionally present in your life can be pressure relievers, burden bearers, faith sharpeners, and endurance builders.
Pressure Relievers
Unique pressures are knitted into the fabric of ministry life, one of which being: Many people engage in relationship because they want something from you. They want you to answer a theological question, give them an answer to their problems, or to give suggestions as to the direction of a church ministry.
A good friend helps relieve those pressures by talking about topics unrelated to the church. Engaging together in a hobby like antiquing or walking or having a fun playdate that’s as much for the adults as for the kids provides opportunities for ministry pressure releases where both friends can be known and enjoyed.
Women in ministry frequently experience pursuing others and being the initiators with others, but in a friendship, both parties initiate and pursue time and conversation. These simple joys are breaths of fresh air amid ministry pressures, because, “Oil and incense bring joy to the heart, and the sweetness of a friend is better than self-counsel” (Prov. 27:9).
Burden Bearers
The burdens that pastors’ wives carry can be easily imagined: church members in crisis, upset over decisions; relational offense between staff members; or the spiritual, emotional, and physical struggles of those we disciple. In addition, our own struggles add burdens to our shoulders that make our race of life slow and strained at times.
Good friends also understand that there are some burdens they can’t carry with us because of the confidentiality needed in sensitive church-related issues. They don’t press for details but instead pray for us and point us to the One who knows our burdens. For the burdens they can carry, they’re ready and willing to step in to meet physical and spiritual needs.
Women in ministry are accustomed to carrying the burdens of others, but when a friend steps in to carry theirs, fresh strength to bear up under these burdens is infused because, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time” (Prov. 17:17).
Faith Sharpeners
In my experience, the pedestal that pastors and their wives used to sit on in the minds of their church members has drastically diminished, but there are still some who experience shock when they learn that those in ministry are not perfect. We sin, we make mistakes, we act in ways that contradict what we say we believe, we hurt others, and we must repent regularly like the rest of the church.
Good friends recognize that, like them, we’re needy sinners dependent on the grace of God for life and faith. Trusted friends know that the only hope for both of us is found in Jesus, and they point each other to Him in Scripture, prayer and counsel. They aren’t afraid to say hard things to each other, even if one of them is a pastor’s wife, because, “The wounds of a friend are trustworthy ” (Prov. 27:26), and “Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another” (Prov. 27:17).
Endurance Builders
The writer of Hebrews describes the “large cloud of witnesses” surrounding us in the race of life (Heb. 12:1). In context, the witnesses are past heroes of the faith who were faithful to the end of their race. Their lives are an example and encouragement for us, but the friends God provides are like this “large cloud of witnesses” as well.
They help us keep our eyes on Jesus, remind us of His character and promises, and cheer us on as we press forward. When we’re tempted to stray from the narrow way or to give up, they aren’t afraid to challenge or correct us. They faithfully encourage us to endure despite the obstacles and challenges that come our way and eagerly look forward with us to the day when we will all be with the Lord.
Friendships like this aren’t promised to every Christian in every season of life. Seasons that are full of change (moving, having babies, caring for aging parents, etc.) or seasons where a friend can’t be found press us to be reminded of our greatest friend: Jesus.
He is the Pressure Reliever who invites you to come to Him when you’re weary and burdened, and He will give you rest (Matt. 11:28).
He is your Burden Bearer who calls you to cast our cares on Him because He cares for you (1 Pet. 5:7).
He is your Faith Sharpener as the Spirit “teach[es] you all things and remind[s] you of everything [He has] told you” (John 14:26).
He is our Endurance Builder who, “For the joy that lay before Him, he endured the cross, despising the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Heb. 12:3).
Rejoice that Jesus calls you His friend and give thanks to Him as you savor the seasons where He provides the sweetness of good friends who model His work in your life.
— Sarah Rogers is a member of Christ Fellowship Cherrydale in Greenville. She and her husband, Matt, pastor at Christ Fellowship, are parents of five children and coauthored their recent book, From Generation to Generation, by Courier Publishing.
