God-given sexual desire is normal — and on this side of heaven, living without sex as a single Christian can be difficult. A common question might be, “Why did God give us sexual desire with no promise that He’s going to provide us a spouse?” It can be agonizing not to have a biblical outlet for certain desires. Thinking about the possibility of never getting to enjoy intimacy within marriage can lead to despair.
Therefore, my hope in this article is to lift your eyes off the earthly and onto the eternal by giving you a 10,000-foot view of marriage and sex. Personally, I’ve found that having a robust and eternal mindset about marriage — and sex — has exponentially increased my contentment, joy, and hope in Christ as a single. Marriage, and sex within marriage, point to eternal realities that every Christian can joyfully look forward to — even if they never get married (Heb. 11:1). And believing in these realities has made me more zealous for the Lord. Moments of despair are met with mercy when we remember the eternal hope and joy that awaits us at the marriage supper of the Lamb (Rev. 19:6–9). Every Christian is promised deep unity and intimacy with Christ and pleasures forevermore at the right hand of God — and that is our ultimate hope (Ps. 16:1–11).
Why Do Singles Need a Theology About Sex?
In a world that separates sex from its intended meaning and purpose in a covenant relationship, Christian singles need to renew their minds with a biblical and hopeful view of sex. Sex is satisfying in marriage. But physical sex alone, apart from a healthy marriage commitment, won’t satisfy the deep physical, emotional, and spiritual longings we have to be fully known and loved. Sexual longing points to our need for intimacy — and while sex temporarily meets some of those desires in the context of marriage, Christ meets our need to be known and loved fully and eternally. Singles need something far greater than cheap counterfeit versions of intimacy to satisfy their desires; they need a Christ-exalting view of marriage and sex that ultimately and finally finds its consummation in the future resurrection and marriage supper of the Lamb (Rev. 19:6–9). So, here are five truths about sex to encourage the single Christian.
1) God’s Design for Sex Is the Only Good Version of It
It is good for married folk to enjoy sex. And it is good for single folk to abstain from it.
Because singles must abstain from sex until marriage, we often think negatively about sex. But sex is a good gift from a good God. The world, our flesh, and the devil have twisted this good gift to be a selfish means of self-gratification outside of a marriage covenant.
But sex isn’t the enemy; our sin is. Sex is only good according to God’s design in marriage. Within marriage, sex unites. Outside of marriage, it destroys. Therefore, single Christian, it is for your good that God is withholding any form of sexual pleasure outside of marriage; because it is only in marriage that sex is innocently satisfying and doesn’t leave you in guilt and shame. This is also true for married brothers and sisters who are tempted to abandon God’s design and seek pleasure outside of their union (Heb. 13:4).
The devil and our desires lie to us that sex is delightful outside of marriage, when in reality it only leads to death. We can trust God’s Word when it says, “For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live” (Rom. 8:13). The world wants us to believe that we are entitled to our desires, but the Bible teaches that we can put to death and rule over our desires (Rom. 6:6–7, Col. 3:5–10, Gen. 4:7, Rom. 8:1–6).
Abstaining from sex as a single Christian is good because it pushes us toward deeper intimacy with Christ and grows us in faith and self-control. We are not promised marriage and sex, but we are promised to be satisfied and sanctified through Christ — which, ultimately, is far better than temporary earthly pleasure (John 4:7–42, 1 Thess. 4:1–8). We are not promised every good gift here on earth, but we are promised God Himself — which is what every good gift points to (Ps. 34:8–10).
2) Sex Is Selfless
This truth is vital for singles fighting sexual temptation. At its core, lust is a form of selfishness. Temptation lures us into thinking that sex is all about our needs, desires, and gratification. But we are called to love those around us, not use them as a means to our satisfaction.
Ultimately, sex is selfless because love is selfless. It’s not about self-gratification. It’s about loving, knowing, and giving to the other person. God’s Word teaches us to do nothing from selfish ambition and to consider others better than ourselves; that commandment doesn’t disappear in the context of sex (Phil. 2:3).
3) Sex Has Purpose
The world has conditioned us to think of sex as its own separate thing free for the taking through outlets like pornography and masturbation, but counterfeit versions of sex aren’t the real deal because they don’t serve God’s intended purposes of sex in marriage.
The ultimate purpose of sex is the glory of God. But sex also has several practical purposes within marriage. Daniel Akin, in his book, God On Sex, gives six purposes for sex: Knowledge (Gen. 4:1), intimate oneness (Gen. 2:24), comfort (Gen. 24:67), the creation of life (Gen. 1:28), play and pleasure (Song. 2:8–17, 4:1–16), and avoiding temptation (1 Cor. 7:2–5).
Now, let’s take a step further to see what the ultimate meaning of sex is. Ephesians 5:31–32 says, “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”
The ultimate meaning of sex is the picture of oneness it communicates as a metaphor of Christ and His church. This is good news for the single Christian, because singles don’t need to have earthly sex in order to participate in what sex ultimately points to — unity with Christ. The kind of knowledge, comfort, oneness and pleasure that couples experience with each other is the kind of relationship that God wants with His people. Single Christian, remind yourself of the gospel. God wants a spiritually close relationship with you, and He went to great lengths on the cross and through His resurrection to obtain it. God fully knows you and loves you. The gospel will always be our greatest love story.
Understanding the purpose and meaning of sex helps us understand why it doesn’t make sense to pursue it outside of marriage, because it would ruin the picture that Christ wants to communicate. Our ultimate motivation for abstinence is the glory of Christ!
4) Sex Is Temporary
In heaven there will be no marriage (Mark 12:25). But we’ll have something even better — complete unity with Christ. Sex really is good. But the earthly pleasures of sex pale in comparison to the fullness of joy that we will experience in the resurrection (1 Cor. 15:20–26).
The Old Testament law was a big deal; it was glorious — but it was temporary. Whereas the new covenant is eternal and even more glorious (Heb. 8:5-13; 10:9). I think it’s similar with sex. One day, marriage and sex as we know it will have served its purpose and we’ll all have the better thing.
Sex within marriage is like an appetizer. Everyone loves a good appetizer. But you don’t have to order an appetizer at a restaurant to enjoy the fullness of the actual meal. Singles might miss out on the delicious bread sticks of sex within marriage, but we won’t miss out on the steak dinner — our future inheritance in Christ (1 Pet. 1:3–9).
Don’t settle for cheap, destructive, deadly counterfeits. Wait for the meal that’s to come — whether foretasted first in an earthly marriage, or consummated fully at the marriage supper of the Lamb.
5) Christ Is Better Than Marriage and Sex
Recently I listened to someone speak of the sweet intimacy he shared with Christ when he was struggling to breathe due to his damaged lungs, not knowing if he would live another day. No one could be as close to him in his suffering than Jesus could. What struck me was that he’s married. And it made me realize that whether single or married, intimacy with Christ is ultimate.
First Peter 1:13–16 says, “Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance; but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, ‘Be holy, for I am holy.’”
This Scripture calls us to set our hope in Christ’s return. Your joy and hope don’t rest in marriage; it rests in the future resurrection. This Scripture also calls us to holiness, but what if we viewed holiness as a means to our ultimate happiness? Intimacy with Christ is more satisfying than the best sexual experience, so why would we let sin ruin our fellowship with Him?
Married folk get to joyfully display the beautiful picture of Christ’s eternal union with His bride, the church. And singles can tell the world we also believe that eternal reality to be true by forsaking all ungodly passions while we wait for His return. Just as a husband and wife must be faithful and passionate toward each other, so we also can count it a joy to be faithful and zealous to the Lord. Christ bought us. We are not our own, but His (1 Cor. 6:16–20). Christ promises us life to the full (John 10:10).
Be chaste to the glory of God. The life of a single Christian testifies to the hope and joy that is to come — and the joy that we can experience even now as we abide in Him (John 15:4–11). The world needs to know that Christ is better than sex.
But What If We Fail?
We should all aspire to live in light of these truths — to strive for abundant joy in Christ. But we need to remember that we’re human — weak and sinful. In Matthew 26, Peter says he’ll never deny Jesus, that he would even die with Jesus rather than deny Him. And yet, his passionate words didn’t prove true when reality set in. It seems that his fear of man overpowered his love for God, and he denied Jesus three times. Even before he denied Jesus, he fell asleep in the Garden of Gethsemane when he was supposed to be awake praying. His tired flesh overpowered his will. And Jesus’ response to Peter in the garden when he fell asleep is one that we all need to remember: “Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” And when we fail, we can cry out with the psalmist, “My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Ps. 73:26).
List of Scriptures to hold onto:
Hebrews 11:1, 26, 32–40
Psalm 63:1–8
2 Corinthians 4:16–18
Romans 8:18–39
Nehemiah 8:10
Psalm 73:1–28 (especially verse 25–26)
Psalm 90:14
Lamentations 3:22–23
Psalm 34:8–10
Psalm 37:4
Psalm 16:1–11
Philippians 3:7–11
Romans 12:1–2
List of worship songs to rejoice in these truths:
On That Day by CityAlight
Day after Day, Jesus Reigns by CityAlight
Jesus Strong and Kind by CityAlight
My God is All I Need/My God is So Big by CityAlight
How Awesome Is Your Love by Shane & Shane
Greatest Love I’ve Ever Known by Shane & Shane
Satisfy Us With Your Love by Shane & Shane
My Portion by Shane & Shane
Completely Known, Completely Loved by Matt Boswell & Matt Papa
Jesus, The Treasure by Erik Nieder
Better Than Life by Erik Nieder
All Glory Be to Christ by Sovereign Grace Music & Bob Kauflin
Jesus is Better by The Worship Initiative
I’ve Tasted And I’ve Seen by Caleb Bachtel
