I remember the first time two of my children had baseball games at the same time. Thankfully, they were at the same park, so I split my time between fields. Still, I felt guilty because I couldn’t be in two places at once.
Another night, I felt a similar guilt. My husband is a pastor, so I was handling the dinner chaos solo while he attended a meeting. Simultaneously, dinner needed fixing while siblings needed refereeing. My irritation rose, and I snapped. Immediately, the Lord brought to mind 1 Corinthians 13, “Love is patient and kind…” Guilt hit me because I was far from patient and kind.
On the surface, the world may file both scenarios under “mom guilt,” but they’re actually quite different. In the second scenario, I genuinely sinned and felt conviction from the Holy Spirit. But in the first, I had not sinned. I felt guilty due to self-imposed motherhood standards of being limitless, when in fact, God has given me many limits.
So, what do we do? We feel guilty when we can’t clone ourselves, but we also feel that pit in our stomach when we lash out at our kids. Let’s consider how we can discern true conviction from self-imposed shame.
Study God’s Word. Notice what the Lord used to convict me in the second scenario: His Word. Daily time in God’s Word renews our minds to know His will (Rom. 12:2). The more we study it, the more we’ll realize what God calls, and doesn’t call, us to. For example, only God is limitless, so if our limits are on display, there’s no reason to feel guilty. Instead, we can point ourselves and our children to our limitless God. On the other hand, God’s Word teaches us to disciple our children, love our husbands, and speak the truth in love. When we do something not in line with His Word, that’s conviction — which, as we’ll see, is a good thing.
Pray. My children love to read. This is wonderful, but it means lots of trips to the library. One day, my 9-year-old begged to go, but I kept putting him off. Guilt crept in. In this moment, I needed help discerning if this was guilt or conviction. After all, no Scripture clearly commands library trips. We can ask God to search our hearts (Ps. 139:23–24). I did this, and God convicted me that my motives for putting off the library trip were selfish. Through prayer, the Lord can help us discern our motives, His will for our lives, and truth from lies, all of which are key to battling mom guilt.
Realize the beauty of conviction. When mom guilt is conviction, we must be careful not to justify or downplay our sin. The internet tells us, “No big deal! You’re overstimulated!” But God’s Word never excuses sin because of our environment. The conviction I felt in my kitchen that night was a good thing. Hebrews 12:6 teaches that God disciplines those He loves, so His conviction is an assurance of salvation. I discipline my children because I love them — and, in the same way, God convicts and disciplines us as His daughters. He wants us to continue looking more like Him, which requires conviction. This is a beautiful thing!
Confess and deal with sin. As we’re convicted, we can praise God and ask for His help. We may be tempted to hide our sin, but there’s such freedom in confessing to the Lord. If needed, confess to others. It’s humbling, but I often confess to my children. They’re always gracious to forgive. Ask God and others for help. For example, if I know I’ll handle dinner solo one night, and the temptation to sin against my children will be high, I may text a friend to pray for me and hold me accountable. Sin may feel good in the moment, but it’s always destructive, and its effects are widespread.
Rest in God’s promises. Ultimately, Christ has dealt with our sin on the cross, so He doesn’t want us to wallow in shame. As I share my dinnertime struggle with you now, I no longer feel guilty because I’ve confessed to the Lord and my children. There are two Scriptures I cling to when Satan tries to remind me of past sins:
- “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 8:1).
- “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 Jn. 1:9).
Ditch the world’s standards. So, what about that self-imposed mom guilt? We’ve asked God to check our hearts. We haven’t sinned, but that pang of guilt remains. For me, if the shame I feel is self-imposed, it boils down to: I’m chasing the world’s standards, not God’s. This may be things like not ordering a 100th day of school shirt, or a child waiting on a juice refill while laundry gets switched. I believe many moms spend motherhood guilt-ridden because social media influences them more than God’s Word and the local church. My motto is, “God didn’t call me to that.” God has freed me from shame when I forget picture day, or our budget doesn’t allow for a new t-shirt for every school theme day (ours has A LOT). God calls me to love Him and love people. He also knows our children and us better than we do. He knows our financial and time limitations. When we study His Word and walk in His ways, we find more abundant life than living for the world.
This realization that everything we may consider “mom guilt” isn’t actually conviction from the Lord is key. Friends, God has a better motherhood for us than spending all of our days guilt-ridden and anxious. Instead, He has a motherhood for us that is full of His joy and peace because we’re walking in His ways and freedom.
— Cassie Patillo is a pastor’s wife and mother to three kids living in Chesnee, S.C. She served in student ministry for over a decade and now serves as a Women’s Ministry Catalyst, Bible teacher, and writer. Her favorite place to serve is her local church, where she leads the women’s ministry and small groups, and opens her home to church members and more.
