Parenting is a joy! It is absolutely hard, but anything worth doing is challenging.
While I have absolutely loved being a dad, parenting has also refined me in ways I didn’t know I needed. I thought I was pretty patient, loving, kind, understanding, selfless, forgiving (and keep adding other nice-sounding words) until I became a dad. All of a sudden, my character flaws and sin were exposed in a very real and clear way.
As my kids have gotten older, I continue to pray weekly to embody the fruit of the Spirit. One fruit of the Spirit I know parents especially need is patience.
The Need for Patience
It seems like every parent has probably asked for prayer for patience. In the early years, patience is needed when kids are childish or disobedient. As kids grow older, patience is needed as complex conversations and questions arise, which are natural in the teenage years. For younger and older kids, parents need patience because the same conversation may have to happen dozens, if not hundreds, of times.
Patience is hard, and it is almost something we can never fully “achieve.” If you were patient in a difficult situation today, another opportunity will come tomorrow for you to either embody the fruit of the Spirit or give in to impatience. Just because we did well today does not guarantee patience tomorrow.
But the opposite is also true. Just because you have failed repeatedly to be patient with your children does not mean you have to continue to have little to no patience. There is hope for change!
The Practice of Patience
I think about Ephesians 6:4, which says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Fathers are not to provoke their children to anger, which means fathers must have patience with their children.
We want to pray for patience! We want to pray that, as disciples, we are presented as “mature in Christ” (Col 1:28). We want to see ourselves grow in the fruit of the Spirit and, therefore, become more patient.
But we don’t just will and grunt our way to patience. So, how do I grow in practicing patience? A few thoughts come to mind.
First, delight in Jesus and pray for change!
This isn’t a “cop-out,” Sunday school answer. This is THE answer! Love Jesus more, pray for Him to change your heart, and you will grow in patience. Spend time with your Lord and Savior, and let the Word and the Spirit do a great work in your life. As you seek Christ and the things that are above (Col 3:1), you will be able to “put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience” (Col 3:12).
Second, remind yourself how patient your Heavenly Father is with you!
If you struggle with forgiveness, dwell on how much Jesus has forgiven you (Eph 4:32; Col 3:13). If you struggle to love others, consider how much God loves you (1 John 4:10). Similarly, if you struggle with patience, consider how patient God is with you, a sinful, selfish, broken, and rebellious person (Rom 2:4; 2 Pet 3:8–9; Ex 34:6–7). Preach the gospel to yourself and remind yourself of how patient the Lord has been with you.
Third, put yourself in a place to succeed.
Intervene early with your children, before you lose patience. Teach, train, correct, and discipline.
To me, it is not surprising when parents lack patience or struggle with anger after letting their kids act crazy and wild all the time. If I repeatedly let a child do the same annoying or frustrating thing, I am likely to get annoyed or frustrated and, therefore, struggle with patience.
I am convinced that the second part of Ephesians 6:4 is one of the best ways to practice patience.
Bring your children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Teach your children what they are and are not to do. Be willing to be inconvenienced a million times when they are one and two years old, but by the time they are three, four, and five, they will know what is expected of them and how they are to carry themselves (there will still be plenty of issues to address, but your children will have grown!). If a child throws himself on the floor in rebellion, correct it the first time it happens. Speak to them calmly and clearly. Give concise consequences and follow through exactly as you said.
My children’s whining is what most tempts me to lose patience. Therefore, when I notice whining for the first time, I immediately emphasize, “Whining is not kind and respectful. As Markhams, we do not whine when things do not go our way or when we are found to have done something wrong. We take ownership. We put off our whining and put on self-control and joy, two fruits of the Spirit. Let’s take a deep breath. Let’s pray for the Lord to give us self-control and joy, and then, if your whining continues, you will be disciplined.” I can say all of this with patience, love, grace, and without frustration, if I address the issue immediately. If I address it 10 minutes later, after saying “stop that” or “don’t do that” five, ten, or fifteen times, I will probably be lacking patience by then. [The “put off, put on” language comes from Eph 4:22–24 and Col 3:5–14.]
Let your children know how much you love them as you teach and correct. I think about Proverbs 3:11–12: “My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.” The Lord teaches and reproves us because He loves us. A father teaches and disciplines his son not because he is angry, frustrated, or upset, but because he delights in his son (see also Heb 12:3–11).
I put myself in a position to succeed by correcting and disciplining my child the first time and every time he or she is disobedient, knowing there will be plenty of times when teaching and correction will be inconvenient, but it will pay off in the long run!
Fourth, remember that time is required for both your growth and your kids’ growth.
I don’t feel like I struggled as much with being patient with my kids when they were one and two. I knew I had to teach them the same thing over and over again before they understood. That’s just part of it!
You don’t get angry at an infant (who is unable to walk) because he can’t run. You don’t get angry with an 18-month-old (who can barely speak) because he doesn’t happily respond, “Yes sir, I will gladly do my chores.” That’s nonsensical. So much training has to take place before a kid can run. Equally, so much training has to take place before a kid can obey well. Remember, we are all born in Adam (Rom 5:12–21). Sin is in each of us.
However, I have struggled with patience as my kids have gotten older. I have a very capable six-year-old girl and five-year-old boy. I have taught them the same things hundreds, if not thousands, of times. So, when they directly disobey something, we have discussed many times, patience can be hard to come by. But my point is they will never be perfect. Their growth and maturity are ongoing and take time.
But the same goes for you and me. A child doesn’t learn obedience overnight. They don’t become perfect by six years old. Similarly, growing in patience is not a one-day, one-week, or one-month endeavor. It’s lifelong. Growing in patience will take time as you seek to put off the passions of the flesh and put on the fruit of the Spirit, much as you are teaching your kids to do.
Fifth, understand that your kids are a gift from the Lord to help you grow.
As mentioned at the opening, I did not realize how much I struggled with pride and selfishness until I became a father. My kids didn’t make me prideful and selfish, but they sure exposed what was already there!
My kids are a gift from the Lord, helping me mature in the faith. I get to grow in patience because the Lord has given me three little ones to care for. I get to die to myself each and every day.
Ultimately, your patience in training your children can help lead them to repentance (Rom 2:4). A bad temper and a lack of patience in you can encourage foolish actions in your children (Prov 14:29).
The Gift of Patience
Patience is a fruit of the Spirit. It is a gift from the Lord. And our kids are given to us as a gift to help us grow in patience. You likely won’t be able to will yourself into patience, but the Spirit gives us patience as He uses the gift of our children to help us grow and mature. Praise the Lord for using parenthood to grow us in patience.
— Aaron Markham is one of the pastors at Ridgewood Church, Greer, S.C. He and his wife, Casey, have three children and twins on the way. He is currently pursuing a Ph.D. in North American Missiology at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. Read more of his work here.
